And other great ways to get people to notice you…

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Home renovations might get some people’s juices flowing, but I would rather be forced to watch 10 episodes of SNL with Elon Musk as the host than choose between a standard or a linear drain. The humanity!

But also, I hated the worn-out flooring in our house. Sometimes life is just hard. (*When you have no substantive problems and recognize you are a privileged a-hole.)

At any rate, after a couple of years of dragging our feet, and over a year stuck inside staring at said rotting flooring, my husband…


HUMOR

It Doesn’t Seem Real… But Then Again, Nothing Seems Real at Subway

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“America’s largest sandwich chain had just been sued by two Los Angeles customers who said that the meat that Subway was advertising as tuna was, in fact, something else entirely.” — Sarah Bahr, The New York Times (June 29, 2021)

After Jared, company morale within Subway was at an all-time low. Corporate brought in all sorts of branding companies, consultants, and anyone who’d ever thought about sandwiches in a sexual way. Nothing helped. That’s when things started to turn around.

In a company meeting, one Subway bigwig said, “Hey, let’s make our own bread, but this time without the shoe…


This happens to all of us at one time or another

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This happens to all of us at one time or another, so don’t be too hard on yourself! True patriots can also fall into the liberal trap of making mistakes and/or being an accessory to a felony.

No matter what your Zoom meeting is for, whether it’s an HOA that you have bullied your way onto for the past six years, a PTA meeting that you’ve been asked to stop attending, or a joint session of Congress, you can be sure that any of the following Zoom backgrounds will make you a frontrunner for a speech at next year’s RNC…


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I recently worked on a film where nearly all the department heads were women and let me tell you, I barely knew how to function without all those men around. I nearly forgot to always be on guard to deflect unwanted compliments. The act of tramping down my emotions when a male coworker tries to pass off one of my ideas as his own, has nearly been eradicated as one of my special skills. What the hell am I going to list on my resume now? That I’m great at problem-solving and being part of a team? Gross!

The act…


So you think shit’s gone off the rails thus far? Imagine what would happen if we didn’t let people earn unlimited sums of money.

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You plebians may still be mad at old Ted Cruz for trying to toast his melanin while his constituents “leaned in”… to pooping into buckets. But the great Sena-turd from Texas was just trying to help us. By taking his family on vacation, he took the burden off the power grid! A rich person provided a rational rich person solution — get out of the way so someone more capable can fix it. …


A person does not equal a place.

The practice of identifying people in the news by where they live has always struck me as odd. There are vastly more interesting ways to identify a person. For instance, I’d rather know what someone does for a living, what NFL team they hate-tweet about, or what booze they got sick on at happy hour once and now can’t see without gagging. …


Today’s feigning femmes got nothing on these historical ho’s.

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A talented and funny friend asked me to be on his podcast; I said yes immediately. What could be better than me talking about me? But then he said, “We’d love for you to come on and talk about Karens. You’re perfect for this topic!”

*Insert a tantrum only a true Karen could throw here.*

Sure, I am an adult white woman who has a face that looks best suited for logging complaints. How is that my fault? Just because my mother was absolutely a Karen, and all the women in…


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“Dress for the job you want,” is a phrase my grandmother thought was garbage.

Not to glorify my dead grandmother, but she was rarely nice to anyone. I admired her so. She wore kitten heels after she’d had both hips replaced and when her doctor told her to stop wearing heels, she took a dump in the waiting room of his office. She apologized to the receptionist that had to clean it up, but she followed up with her favorite phrase, “What a waste.”

I heard her say that so often and rarely thought about the intention behind it. My…


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I have so many funny takes on tired moms’!

My cats did THE CUTEST thing.

OMG, I love doing dance challenges! But badly!

Did you know that I do standup?

Did you know that I’m political?

Did you think that I’ll get on the Today show because of my super funny take on cooking pasta using nothing but my own tears?

Do you think I could get sponsored by Four Loko?

Do you think anyone that is currently successful on Tik Tok knows what Four Loko Is?

Am I really still alive?

If I get better at lipsyncing, do you…


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American exports are second to none. But faux superiority is our most infallible national product. A Stanford University study found faux superiority was even more influential than vocal fry in most world wet markets.

It doesn’t take much to make dummies believe that you’re better than they are. An overpriced article of clothing or a simple accessory is enough to throw anyone off the scent. …

Tara Jean O'Brien

Actor, Writer, Comedian, Podcaster, Enough Already

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