I’d Say “Bon Anniversaire Alexandre,” but you don’t think I ‘Count’ — Alexandre Dumas would be 220 years old today. No other literary figure has had such an upsetting culinary impact. Though Alexandre Dumas was a prolific writer who gave the world the iconic novels The Count Of Monte Cristo and The Three Musketeers, he never counted on the unintended, true everlasting…

New conservation efforts in California are invasive, bossy, and really bumming people out. — California has long been a pioneer in restricting carbon emissions as a way of making the state look way cooler in climate documentaries. But it appears that trying to legislate breathable air doesn’t satisfy the overbearing Golden State anymore. Starting June 1st, around 6 million Southern California residents will be…

But only because I care. — When you told me that you were the one that steals the K-cups from the lounge, or that you shredded Barb’s cost report so you could get the VP promotion, or when you had a one-night stand with your best friend’s wife, I didn’t tell anyone. Remember? I’m a team…

And other musings from Lady Macbeth’s diary during the pandemic. — May 13, 2020: HOME SWEET HOME Being quarantined with my Thane and our cadre of bone-headed servants for many a fortnight got me thinking about how miserable I am living in a castle. It’s so cold and full of terrors. I’d like to move, but no matter how hot the housing market is, no one is…

Now I’ll spend the rest of my life crafting handmade soaps that will make you rue that day. — Some dreams are small. Some dreams are dumb. My dreams are neither. After MegaCraftHoe6969 posted a review that my soaps looked like, “Leatherface’s butthole,” I had to figure out what that reference meant. When I did, I knew the only way to exact my revenge would be to make the…

A modern growth’s guide to success! — The harrowing truth about being a cervical polyp is that generally, everyone ignores you. It’s been totally up to us to figure out how to survive, thrive, and make our voices heard in an uncertain uterine future. With generations of polyps that have come and gone before us, with no…

And other great ways to get people to notice you… Home renovations might get some people’s juices flowing, but I would rather be forced to watch 10 episodes of SNL with Elon Musk as the host than choose between a standard or a linear drain. The humanity! But also, I…

It Doesn’t Seem Real… But Then Again, Nothing Seems Real at Subway — “America’s largest sandwich chain had just been sued by two Los Angeles customers who said that the meat that Subway was advertising as tuna was, in fact, something else entirely.” — Sarah Bahr, The New York Times (June 29, 2021) After Jared, company morale within Subway was at an all-time…

This happens to all of us at one time or another — This happens to all of us at one time or another, so don’t be too hard on yourself! True patriots can also fall into the liberal trap of making mistakes and/or being an accessory to a felony. No matter what your Zoom meeting is for, whether it’s an HOA that…