Humor
How I’m Going To Weaponize the Secrets You Just Told Me
But only because I care.
--
When you told me that you were the one that steals the K-cups from the lounge, or that you shredded Barb’s cost report so you could get the VP promotion, or when you had a one-night stand with your best friend’s wife, I didn’t tell anyone. Remember? I’m a team player! But after the last two years, and all this Xanax, I need to start living my truth. And that truth is that I have nothing better to do than stir up shit.
I am not doing this for revenge! In fact, I love it when you call me your, “work wife” because it gives me something I don’t have at home: control.
Don’t forget that I was the one that told you not to order a third drink at happy hour last night. Just because I was on my third vodka soda, it didn’t necessarily mean that you were a pussy if you didn’t have one too.
I did not need to know that you put your car payment or your subscription for pictures of women’s feet on the company credit card, but then code that as “client recruitment.” I would have gone on to proposition my Uber driver with, or without, knowing that information.
But you told me. Freely. Willingly. Drunkenly. How was I to know that my teenager rigged my voice recorder to start recording whenever I say, “Prove it”? I’m sorry that I can access the accounting files to track what you’ve done. But I’m more sorry that I don’t have your parking spot. It is, like, so much closer to the building than mine.
There is nothing, specifically, that I want from you. But there are also many things I specifically hope I can get from you. Like, I’m not suggesting we should swap offices. I’m just wondering if my seasonal depression wouldn’t be as bad if the window in my office had a Southern exposure like yours does.
The last thing I’m here to do is judge you — I value our relationship. I’m just curious what the dollar amount is that you would put on that value?
When I think about this whole situation, it makes me really sad. Really sad that you would take advantage of your position at this company and not loop me in. Really sad that you would jeopardize everything when you could have given me a few weeks of your timeshare in Cabo instead.
No matter what happens moving forward, know that I adore you, and your secrets are safe with me. Thank God I’m the one putting you in this position. Just imagine if anyone else in this office were to know all this! This is truly working out perfectly.
