So you think shit’s gone off the rails thus far? Imagine what would happen if we didn’t let people earn unlimited sums of money.
You plebians may still be mad at old Ted Cruz for trying to toast his melanin while his constituents “leaned in”… to pooping into buckets. But the great Sena-turd from Texas was just trying to help us. By taking his family on vacation, he took the burden off the power grid! A rich person provided a rational rich person solution — get out of the way so someone more capable can fix it. …
A person does not equal a place.
The practice of identifying people in the news by where they live has always struck me as odd. There are vastly more interesting ways to identify a person. For instance, I’d rather know what someone does for a living, what NFL team they hate-tweet about, or what booze they got sick on at happy hour once and now can’t see without gagging. …
Today’s feigning femmes got nothing on these historical ho’s.
A talented and funny friend asked me to be on his podcast; I said yes immediately. What could be better than me talking about me? But then he said, “We’d love for you to come on and talk about Karens. You’re perfect for this topic!”
*Insert a tantrum only a true Karen could throw here.*
Sure, I am an adult white woman who has a face that looks best suited for logging complaints. How is that my fault? Just because my mother was absolutely a Karen, and all the women in…
“Dress for the job you want,” is a phrase my grandmother thought was garbage.
Not to glorify my dead grandmother, but she was rarely nice to anyone. I admired her so. She wore kitten heels after she’d had both hips replaced and when her doctor told her to stop wearing heels, she took a dump in the waiting room of his office. She apologized to the receptionist that had to clean it up, but she followed up with her favorite phrase, “What a waste.”
I heard her say that so often and rarely thought about the intention behind it. My…
I have so many funny takes on tired moms’!
My cats did THE CUTEST thing.
OMG, I love doing dance challenges! But badly!
Did you know that I do standup?
Did you know that I’m political?
Did you think that I’ll get on the Today show because of my super funny take on cooking pasta using nothing but my own tears?
Do you think I could get sponsored by Four Loko?
Do you think anyone that is currently successful on Tik Tok knows what Four Loko Is?
Am I really still alive?
If I get better at lipsyncing, do you…
American exports are second to none. But faux superiority is our most infallible national product. A Stanford University study found faux superiority was even more influential than vocal fry in most world wet markets.
It doesn’t take much to make dummies believe that you’re better than they are. An overpriced article of clothing or a simple accessory is enough to throw anyone off the scent. …
I’ve been hearing a lot about the approximately 37 gajillion people that moved out of New York and California in 2020. Let me be the first to say that most of these people tried to sell their possessions on Craigslist for exorbitant prices. I offered $25 for that preamp that you’ll never use again because you never had a voiceover career in the first place, Patty. Enjoy Tampa.
Will this exodus dramatically decrease the tax revenue in these garbage states? Honestly… probably, yes. So our best hope is that most of the people who left (who should in no way…
Not because I got plastic surgery during the quarantine.
But now that I think of it… another missed opportunity to add to my list.
I just don’t like it. I moved 16 times before I was in high school and went to nine different schools, so it’s not the “change” part I’m having a hard time with— it’s the not liking it that I, well, don’t like. The face I’ve looked at day in and day out for none-of-your-business years, is now actively attempting to break my brain. …
Actor, Writer, Comedian, Podcaster, Enough Already